Yesterday, I heard Christmas music on the radio for the first time this year and immediately had to shut it off.  I used to love Christmas music.  I think that I probably still do, but it just brings up too much.  Too many memories, too much emotion.  I think that this year, I’d rather take the year off.  

One of the traditions that I love the most about the holidays are the cards.  I always have and it’s always been important to me.  I’m sure that part of that is that as a photographer, it’s been part of my job for the last 18 years.  Helping others get their cards done and sent out.  But it’s also been a marking of time for me and my own kids.   This being said, I struggled a lot this year with what to do.  I never sent out a change of address, so while people may know that I’ve moved away, they really don’t know where to find me.  I’m here but Peter isn’t.  Steve and I are here, but we’re not married.  All of the traditional beliefs about family and what constitutes it are wrapped up in the holiday cards.  So, after much thought, I decided that I would do the one thing that feels semi-normal to me and send out cards.  I realize I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I’ve been thinking on this so much that I had to put it down on ‘paper’.  There are so many things that have been taken away this year, that I can at least continue to do something that I’m relatively good at and send out a Christmas card.

In some ways, I feel like this is really the last time that I’ll be able to incorporate Tommy in a current way.  I can always reference him in future cards, but he’ll forever be 18.  He won’t change.  He won’t grow older or change.  He will never be in another picture with me or another picture period.  I just couldn’t imagine not paying him this one last tribute.  That may seem strange or morbid, but  here’s the thing…. I don’t care.  No one else is living in my body right now and honestly, I don’t care about all of those cultural norms anymore.   This is the year that I am trying to just get through.  Keep sane.  Start new traditions or at least think in that direction for years in the future.