Yesterday, 3 huge boxes arrived at our doorstep. I hadn’t ordered anything (well, let me rephrase that - I hadn’t ordered anything so big) so it was a complete surprise. And, it still is! There was no packing slip, so I have no idea who sent me such a thoughtful gift - 3 boxes, each with a live plant inside. Inside the boxes were the names of the plants - Burning Bush Dwarf. They came from a nursery called www.gurneys.com but when I called to try to find out who sent them, they couldn’t give me any information, so I’m at a loss and wish I could at least say thank you! Steve planted them for me today - apparently the deer love them, so once the weather becomes nicer, we’ll have to put a fence around them to protect them. Is this story ringing a bell with anyone? Are you here, reading this? Did you send these? Please let me know if it was you! And a tremendous thank you. I can’t wait to see what they look like in the spring!

Today, I’m holding tightly to the idea that to grieve is a reminder that you loved. Most days I am reminded of this horrible pain over and over. But there have been moments, when I find myself almost forgetting that I’m in this. That I’m in the middle of grieving. That he’s never coming back. In those moments, it’s like my mind is desperately trying to remind me that this situation is real and not a dream. The visions come in a wave like my brain is saying to me: “ no, it’s true, he’s no longer physically here and he’s not coming back and I’ll keep bringing these images back to you so you don’t forget. I’m not ready to let you only remember the good things because for now, you are entrenched in the sorrow.”

I am fearful of waking up and not having this on the forefront of my mind. I’m afraid of forgetting his voice, his laugh. I’m afraid I don’t have enough videos of him actually talking, not just doing a stunt or showing off, but actually talking to the camera. As a photographer, I constantly remind others to be in the picture. I should’ve listened to my advice more but I always thought, “there will be more time for that” or “we’ll have plenty of opportunities to have pictures taken together.” I’m not in many photos with Tommy. I was always behind the camera and as he got older, I just didn’t want to fight to get the pictures. So, the truth is that while I know he’s with me, I’m scared that someday I will wake up and not remember all of him in detail.