Two weeks shy of four years without him
Wow. It’s been almost two years since I’ve really visited this website - I’m honestly touched that it still shows traffic in the analytics. So, if you’ve visited or are here now, I’m sending you lots of love because it is so meaningful to me.
So much has happened over the last two years and I’ve contemplated writing. I’ve actually really wanted to write, but it just hasn’t come easily. This wanting to write is something akin to knowing you’ll feel better if you meditate or eat well or exercise. We can want these things, but until we’re really driven, they just don’t happen on their own.
In less than two weeks, Tommy will have been gone for four years. Yesterday I started feeling the heaviness set in. It’s a heaviness that I’ve gotten used to coming and going - like carrying an extra backpack full of rocks around with you every day. The backpack doesn’t stick around all year, but only shows up when my body knows how close we are to a hard day and it can’t help but remember the horrible-ness. But these rocks in this ‘backpack’ are memories that bring tears and difficult flashbacks mostly. It’s like I wish that I could just stay in bed, under the covers, until the date has passed. But of course, life keeps moving and so do I, but I can feel myself mentally slowing down a bit and right now I’m ok with that.
This weekend, the LCHS Mountain Bike team is having a memorial ride for Tommy and so I’ve had that on my mind. It is the 2nd year that they’ve done it. Gregg and Lindsay Kavet have organized it and I’m so grateful. I am hoping that if it happens for a 3rd year, I’ll plan a trip to LA to be there for it. Since my mind is a little less sharp than on a normal day, I decided it was time to get my computer/phone/texts/voicemails/etc. under control. Today I found an email with a link to photos from bike races that Tommy had been in for the MTB team. I was happy to find them, but also brought up some guilt, knowing that I’d never even opened that email before and I hadn’t gone to any of the races he was in during that time period. After your child dies, or even just in general, there are so many things to feel guilty about. On the scale of things I feel guilt over for Tommy, this one thing is minor, but still, I just wish I had the chance for a redo. But, we don’t, so we just keep moving forward, doing our best.
Today, I’m keeping it short, but it feels good to get some of this out of my head. I’ll be back here in this space, more often than I’ve been in the last few years. In fact, it may even start up in these next 2 weeks. Today I also looked at a few of the things I’d written that first year but never shared… I may start sharing some of that. Stay tuned… and from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being here.
xoxo, Stephanie
