4 Years
I woke up early this morning, which is no surprise, since this day has been weighing so heavy on my heart lately. Four years ago today started out as a normal day. Peter and Tommy were both at home with me, Peter left early that day to drive to OR for a visit with friends after being trapped at home for the Covid shutdown for a couple of weeks. I woke up early that day to see him off and he woke Tommy up to say goodbye before he left. The rest of the morning and early afternoon are a blur. Just an average day that didn’t stand out for any particular reason. That afternoon I had a photo shoot and after that, my world was forever changed. I wrote a little bit about that day here and here.
June 12, 2020 - from the moment I arrived at that photoshoot until the moment that I laid my head down on my pillow, is forever burned into my memories. It feels like I can remember every single second, every conversation, phone call, hug, everyone who came through my door and every tear. And at the same time, it all feels like a blur. I wish that I could forget it all, go back and change things, but I’m also so thankful that it still feels raw, that I can pull it so close. It helps me to still feel close to him.
It’s too traumatizing to recollect, but it comes back in bursts, the voices, the screaming, the tears, the knowledge that something was terribly wrong. Too much.
Today, 4 years later, I can look back and feel some space between then and now. I am so very thankful that my last conversation with Tommy ended with us saying I love you. I’ll forever hold that close. Today, I’ll spend my day doing whatever comes to me. I’ve intentionally left my calendar open with no commitments. I’m not sure yet how it’s going to hit but I do feel like today feels a little lighter than this day last year. I’ll be looking for signs that he’s with me, although even without obvious signs, I feel him close every day. I could never have imagined what it felt like to continue a relationship with someone who’s no longer physically present, but I’m thankful that I do feel that with Tommy. 🤍 #tsalforever
