18 Months | the holidays... again
Today is December 10th. In two days, Tommy will have been gone for 1.5 years. The constant reoccurring statement that runs through my head is ‘I can’t believe it.’ And the truth is that I still can’t believe it.
Almost every aspect of my life is different today than it was 1.5 years ago. Today I woke up in a place that is still new to me, with snow on the ground. Sunrise is at 8:17 right now and since I’m an early riser, I generally have at least 1.5 hours of being up before there’s light in the sky. I don’t have any kids living under my roof anymore anymore. My mom is no longer a phone call away. I am no longer picking up a camera every day and am constantly sorting out this new life. I am living with an amazing man whom I love with all of my being who is fun and funny and loving and supportive, after being in a long distance relationship with him for three years.
The holidays are trying. We spent Thanksgiving with my family which was good for my soul. We don’t have a Christmas tree yet and haven’t put up any decorations or lights. It’s a good way for me to mark the time and do it with Tommy in mind. My old self would rush to do these things for the sake of tradition. My new self finds it hard to be festive at this time of year although we will go out to cut down a tree on Sunday, as a way of marking time and remembering Tommy. Last year, our Christmas decor was very minimal and our tree was lights only - no ornaments. No stockings were hung. It’s just different when the kids aren’t around. This year, Peter will just be returning from his semester abroad before Christmas and his turnaround back to school is so fast that we will plan to see each other in January or February sometime and I’m actually ok with that, at least today I feel ok with that.
Earlier this week was the first time I woke up thinking I need to call my mom and ask her about something that was in a dream I had. Of course I think of her all the time, and while I’ve heard others speak that sentiment, it was the first time it actually happened to me. It was so disorienting and left me with just a feeling of being a little extra empty. Why had I not asked all of the questions? Of course this is a question that will never help me and how could I have known that I’d want to know every little detail? It’s not really the question actually that mattered, but the realization that she’s not here.
I’ve realized since I’ve moved that the fact that every part of my life is different has actually been helpful in the coping process. I am so thankful that we live in a time when you don’t have to be next door to remain close friends with people. Every holiday is a chance to create some new traditions and a new normal. I wouldn’t have chosen it to be this way, but 1.5 years in, I can see that life continues to move, whether you want it to or not.
After posting recently about my new cookie company, I have been amazed by the support and the number of orders I’ve received! So, thank you if you even clicked on the link! Today is the last day of receiving orders that I can guarantee get to people in time for Christmas, but we still have time for New Years and Valentines Day is also a great time to send sweets.
When I decided to start baking (basically full time), I didn’t really comprehend what “we run on propane” meant. Four years ago, I didn’t even know that was a thing. Running on propane. Well, it is a thing, and it’s an expensive thing. We have a 1000 gallon propane tank next to the house and the only things that run on propane here are the stove and oven. So…. Last week I bought an electric oven. I started using it just two days ago and while exciting, it’s also a learning process. Possibly not exciting to the average person, but for the last three weeks, I’ve been pretty nervous about the amount of propane that I’ve been using so even though the learning curve is steep, it’ll be worth it in the long run.
Switching gears…. I continue to hear about fentanyl deaths almost daily. The statistics are infuriating, horrifying and so very scary. Please talk about it…. With your kids and with other parents. People need to know because at this point, it seems the only way to save lives.
In honor of Tommy, hug someone nearby on Sunday. Sending much love and gratitude for following me on this journey and for reading this very rambling post. 😂❤️
