August 10th was the day that I saw the first post about one of Tommy’s friends moving in to their dorm, to begin their new life in college.
Today is the day I am realizing that social media may just truly be too full of landmines for me to maneuver for a while.
While I may not comment or ‘like’ the posts, I couldn’t be happier for those kids. I’ve been there - the anticipation of that move in date is long coming and so well deserved. I just can’t believe that I am not going to experience that with Tommy. And I just can’t believe that Tommy is never going to have that experience.
My mind goes back and forth between believing that he’s gone and being in complete denial of it. I’ve heard that this is common and that I all of these feelings are normal.
If life had gone on as was planned, Tommy would probably have settled on the University of Oregon. I was so looking forward to having both of them together, at one place. Parents’ weekends, move in, move out, the normal daily activities - all of them knowing that my 2 sons would have one another was a reassuring thought.
I so badly wish that things had gone differently for all of the reasons. I didn’t care if Tommy didn’t go directly to school, or to school ever for that matter. All that would’ve mattered was that he’d be alive and have the ability to experience life and love and pain and everything else that a messy life involves.
He wasn’t supposed to go first. He was so close to all 4 grandparents, surely they were all supposed to be there before him. They would’ve welcomed him in many many years, after he’d had a life to experience. Now, he will be there to welcome them. That is not the way it was supposed to happen. While, if I have to take comfort in anything, it is that I know he won’t be alone there for long. Of course, I have no idea where he is, but I have strong hope that it’s somewhere beautiful, where he no longer feels the pain that he felt here on earth.
He was the light of my life. So kind, generous, caring, loving, affectionate, handsome, silly, sarcastic, daring. All of the things that I treasured the most about him are the things that make me miss him the most.
In seeing his friends go off to college and knowing that I am now in a new place, I hope that they won’t forget him. I hope that everyone that has reached out to me will truly remember Tommy with all of the love in their hearts.
