This weekend, I feel like I hit a wall. The reality that Tommy is gone seems to be sinking in and my thought process is muddled. I try to think of other things, to use the techniques that I’ve been learning to let go of the trauma, but the images keep coming back. The good and the bad and all I can do is cry.
It seems that the time is inching along and all I can do is think of the time he’s been gone, what he’s missing and how there’s really no end to this thought process. I know that the sharp emotions may fade, but for now, this is all that I can feel. Today is ‘national grief awareness day’. I wonder who comes up with these. I think that tomorrow is ‘overdose awareness day’ or maybe ‘addiction awareness day’ - if it’s not tomorrow, I know something like that is coming up soon. I appreciate that these are things, but I also appreciate that if you’re not living it, you may not be aware or pay attention. Last year, I would never even have known that these existed. I suppose this is part of the reason that I’m sharing this experience. It helps me to share and I hope it gives others either the knowledge that they are not alone, or some knowledge of how to handle grief from the other side. To be supportive even if it feels uncomfortable.
I know that everyone’s experience with grief, as with life, are going to be different. For me, the emails, phone calls, texts, etc., have been a lifeline. Hearing from people often brings me to tears, but they are tears of relief. The knowledge that I’m not on an island.
On August 12th, the 2 month anniversary (I hate that term, but don’t know what else to call it), my dad was checked in to the hospital at City of Hope. He’s still there and will most likely be going to a rehab facility before he’s allowed to go home. He’s been battling Leukemia for the last 3 years and unfortunately got salmonella poisoning which is what landed him in the hospital. When life threatening cancer is put on the back burner for a life threatening infection, you know that it’s nothing to be taken lightly. I’ve been quiet about all of this for many reasons. I’m tired and I’m emotionally exhausted. It’s not lost on me that the date he went into the hospital was the 12th, in fact, I think about it often. Will the 12th of each month feel even heavier than it has felt in these last 2 months? I hope not.
Yesterday, I picked flowers from a neighbor’s garden and made some very rudimentary arrangements. I have a lot to learn, but as with everything, it’s a process. Last night, we sat outside until the sun set and watched deer eat and play. The dog sat by our feet and watched with interest from afar. l am soaking in nature, hoping that it will help.
