I woke up crying this morning

This morning I woke up crying (sobbing, can’t breathe type of crying).  It’s been months since this has happened.  Tommy had come to me in a dream which was very realistic.  There have only been a few times that I’ve dreamt of Tommy like this and all of these dreams have woken me by my crying.  Sometimes he’ll be in the background of my dreams, but in these that hit so hard, I’m able to reach out and touch him, like he’s actually there, which is exactly when I wake up, crying.  I’m not sure if I’m crying because of the realization that he’s not here and I won’t ever be able to touch him again, or if I’m just so upset that I’m woken because it’s then I realize it was just a dream and it’s over.

My mom passed away on May 25th this year. (she’s in the photo above with Tommy) I posted about it on my social media, but haven’t been here in this space because I’ve found it so hard to feel motivated to write anything down.  I’m overwhelmed with grief some of the time and honestly just don’t know that I’m strong enough to face it all, so it’s a bit of avoidance on my part.  

It’s hard to explain all that goes through my head on a daily basis, but in part I feel like I’m betraying my mom in some way by continuing to focus on my grief over Tommy.  This is not to say that the loss of my mom hasn’t hit me, although I do think that I am still in a bit of shock over it.  And I’m not consciously trying to put that guilt on myself, in fact, I’m trying hard not to. The losses were so different.  We knew that we were losing my mom.  I spent 4 weeks with her, by her bedside before she passed away, taking videos and pictures and asking questions and just being present.  I was preparing myself for the end and knowing that I didn’t have this chance with Tommy made it even more important for me to take the time with my mom.

I’ve put this quandary of mine in an online grief group I’m in and it’s been comforting to hear how others have dealt with it.  One in particular said that she prays to her mom that she understands that her grief is focused on the loss of her child.  This is the one that made the greatest impact on me.  

I’ve been in such a denial mode, really just self-preservation, that I have barely even talked to Tommy or my mom in my own head over the last few months.  I’m just sad.  To know that they are together is comforting, but it really doesn’t help me.  I want them back.  I want Tommy back.  I want him to be experiencing life.  It’s been over a year that he’s gone now.  I’ve heard from many that the 2nd year is actually harder than the first.  I still can’t imagine that, but as with anything, until you are actually in it, it’s hard to know.  

My thoughts are all over the place and for this I know that writing will help.  It will help me to sort it out as much as I can, or at least have a place for it all to live outside of my head.  There are so many things in life that we know will be good for us, but it’s sometimes hard to have the discipline to actually do the thing.  I think I’ll use July 1st as my turning point - I’m a person that needs lists and dates to do things and make things happen.  I am going to try to do the things that I know will help me through this; write, meditate, exercise regularly again, eat less cheese, drink less wine. 

And then I remind myself - all in moderation ❤️

* my brother wrote an amazing tribute to my mom, and if you’re interested, you can read it here.