17 Months | Reinventing Life
Today is Friday, November 12th. It’s 4:30am and there’s a light dusting of snow on the ground outside. I doubt it will stick but it’s nice to look out and see it. After so much brown and grey this fall, white is a pleasant surprise. Tommy has been gone for 17 months today. Almost 1.5 years. When I think about it, tears flow, so I try often not to think along those lines. Instead, I try to keep in mind that he is with me every moment of every day, guiding me, and that I will see him again in some form. I am at a point that I do whatever works and I’m ok with that.
In the past few months I’ve heard from people who’ve felt Tommy around them, they’ve inquired about whether there’s a place to go and pay respects to him, they’ve shared the documentary ‘Dead On Arrival’ (documentary about the current fentanyl crisis) with their kids, friends and schools or they’ve just sent a note and checked in. If I have any suggestions at all about how to handle someone else’s grief, this is it. Just check in. You have no idea how much it may mean to someone and often these messages come at just the exact time that they’re needed.
I traveled a lot this fall. I went to St. Louis to visit with old college friends. I went to Bend to visit with family. And I went to LA where I stayed with my dad, saw some family, saw a couple of friends and took some photos. It was all wonderful and soul filling but the highlight was going to Copenhagen, where Peter is studying this semester to spend time with him. We took the train to Stockholm and I fell in love with that city. I felt like it was the trip of a lifetime in the sense that we so rarely get one on one time with our kids once they’re seniors in college! Now I’m back in Montana and it feels nice to be home but all of that travel put some life back into me. It feels good. I got home feeling ready to live again and ready to go back to work in a new capacity. This is the first time that I’ve felt like this since Tommy died and while I am no longer the same person I was, I do feel a bit more like myself now.
I’ve been taking photos now for about 20 years - that’s a long time! I still love many things about it; I love the connections that it’s given me with families that are now longtime friends, I love seeing the love and beauty in people and places, and my very tech-dorky side loves the equipment and being able to manipulate things. (I don’t think that I’ve ever admitted that before) And while I love it and will keep doing it in a smaller capacity, when Tommy died, something in me died too and it just felt harder to pick up a camera.
The end of life doula training is still on my radar and I’m just about done with all of the material. I have some ideas of what direction I’ll go with that after the new year, but right now, I’m exploring something that I’ve loved since I was young…. Baking! I’ve been hesitant to share it because it’s a little bit scary to put yourself out there and do something new, but I’ve started a cottage food business here and am baking cookies! So far, so good! The name of the new company is Fat Kid Cookie Company - it came about on that weekend in Bend with family. We were all eating these cookies and brainstorming and that name stuck. There’s humor in it and I hope that everyone can see that. If you go to the site, you’ll see that there’s not much in the way of personal information and this is intentional. I need something not to feel sad these days and this is it. I’d love it if you’d take a look and spread the word. I realize I’m biased but these cookies really are addictive and quite amazing! And thanks to my friend Dee, I also am offering a holiday version.
During my time in LA, I took the cookies with me everywhere, giving out samples. On a twist of fate, I met a very nice lady while with my aunt and uncle, who had been a taste tester for Pillsbury. Thankfully, I had extra cookies with me, and while I was quite nervous to get her input, I left some for her and got the kindest note afterward telling me how much they loved them. Her feedback gave me a confidence boost and I just felt like Tommy had a hand in that timing.
As always, thanks for reading, for your support and just for being loving humans. I appreciate you.
