Ups and downs and a little whining
These days I put 10 minutes of writing on my list to do every day. I almost never do it and while I have a million excuses, they really just boil down to the fact that I’m living in this numbness and it’s comfortable. It’s easier not to dig deep sometimes, and that’s where I’ve been for the last couple of months if not more.
In September we had a memorial service for my dad in La Canada, where he lived most of his life. I wish that we’d had a guest book because I would’ve loved to have known who was there. I really only saw the people that approached me during the reception. For my mom’s service, I felt similar, but because my dad was still around, he was the one in charge and took note of all of the attendees. And since Tommy’s service took place during the lockdown, we only had people there that had been invited (a max of 90), so I knew exactly who came. If only I would’ve known that I would feel this way. The one thing that struck me was how many people filled out the memory cards that were handed out? or included with the program? I’m not really sure, but it was touching and gave me a mental note to always leave a memory. You never know how much it will mean to people.
Overall, the service was really beautiful and it also gave me (and I believe my brothers) a sense of closure. It truly was our last family tie to that area and it was strange to drive away from there, but I do hope to go back for happier reasons at some point 🤞
The last couple of months have been a lesson to me to get things in order. My parents were relatively organized but the open ends are lingering and I spend lots of time each week dealing with them. Frankly speaking, this has made mourning a little more challenging than I would’ve hoped for.
Today started out great. It’s been extremely cold here, but the sun was out and I was feeling positive this morning but as the day went on, it felt like the universe was working against me. I know that this is an obvious exaggeration, but when the emotions hit, it’s hard not to go into pity party mode. Today, I realized that the company that my dad had financed his car through, had sent the title to a random credit union, although it was supposed to come to me. It’s a minor set back, I know, but that’s what started the downhill slide into tonight and me feeling a little sorry for myself on the couch with my big puffy jacket on because the heater just can’t keep up with the outdoor temps. When I took the dog out a bit ago, the temp was 10 and the full moon lit up all of the snow covered land.
It’s still fall, but feels like winter hit hard last week and the snow seems to be here for good (at least until next April). This has all been a bit winey and I really didn’t intend for it to go this way, but in the effort of being vulnerable, here it is. And although I sound like a whiner, it’s just a blip. In general, life is good and I’m doing my best to live in the moment and enjoy. I’m going to try to get to my writing a little more often going forward - maybe I’ll even be able to cross those 10 minutes off of my list a few times a week 😊
