2.5 Years | life continues

I have attempted to put something in words about where I am now, especially since this weekend marks Tommy being gone for 2.5 years now.  Wow.  So much has happened in these past years.

The grief I feel over the loss of Tommy has changed over time and I know that it will continue to create new patterns and feelings.  It’s not as sharp as it was at the beginning, when it was easy for me to sit down and write.  Now it’s more of an all-encompassing piece of me.  My new reality.  Tommy is on my mind constantly, but having him on my mind doesn’t always bring tears.  The grief still comes in waves, and some days are just bad.  There are days when I need to just do nothing because it’s all too overwhelming, but that’s not the majority of my days anymore.

I don’t think I’ve spoken on this much, but I carry so much guilt and have for a while.  I realize that carrying this guilt isn’t productive, and I am trying to work through that, but I have guilt over all sorts of things.  The guilt of not being able to save Tommy is extraordinarily tough, but I also now feel some guilt because I don’t think I’ve been able to give enough of myself to grieving my parents.  I’ll never know, but I would guess that if I lost my mom before Tommy, I would’ve been stricken down more than I was.  I miss my mom dearly, and my dad, but because of the trauma of losing Tommy, I just don’t think that losing my parents has really hit me or sunk in yet.  I suppose time will tell.

Sometimes the grief hits me when I’m not expecting it, but I can now see some patterns that have emerged.  In the weeks and days leading up to holidays and birthdays, etc., I feel pretty horrible.  In those times, I want to isolate myself.

We didn’t do anything to celebrate Thanksgiving this year and that felt much better than forcing it.  I am looking forward to Christmas because we will be with family and I really miss being around family.  Tonight is the Christmas walk here in our small town and while it sounds a little bit interesting, celebrating just isn’t the same anymore.  We don’t have a tree yet and we didn’t put up Christmas lights early enough - there’s just too much snow to deal with it now.  I hear my thoughts on all of this and feel like I sound like a total grinch, but in actuality, I’m just preserving my heart.

There are still songs that I can’t bear to listen to and if by chance they come on, it takes me out for hours.  I still have a hard time really feeling joyful about much, but I try.

Yesterday, I finally changed my Facebook picture.  The picture that I’d had up there previously had been taken in 2016 at my brothers’ wedding by Peter.  It was such a happy time.  Since Tommy died, there haven’t been many pictures of me in which I look happy, but this one does feel a little like the old me.  But even that brings up so much.  Feelings of betrayal because how can I be happy, but also, for my people that are still in the world with me, why wouldn’t I be happy?  Everything contradicts with everything else in my life these days.

I am still adjusting to living in a new place, even though it’s been a few years.  I miss my family and friends and the familiarity of being in one place for so many years.  I finally feel like I’m making some friends here which feels good.  I don’t think my guard is up as high as it was when I got here, so that feels like improvement.

I’ve started a new business and it’s been keeping me busy, physically and mentally.  I feel excited about the possibilities of it and honestly am just proud of myself for taking steps forward.

I know that I’ve mentioned the medium readings that I’ve done and continue to do.  Those readings are truly what have been the most helpful in the grieving process for me so I’ll continue to do them but probably not as frequently as I have.

I started writing purely out of necessity, hoping that what I shared would help someone, somehow.  I’ve been overwhelmed over the last couple of years with the emails and responses that I’ve gotten and the support.  I know that I don’t write often anymore, and it’s not that I have nothing to say, it’s just that I don’t know if what I have to say is really worth sharing.  The journey has been about grief, but in some ways it feels like when I don’t have anything important to say, it’s just sort of taking up space.

I say that, knowing that if someone else was to say that I would tell them they were crazy, so I get how it might sound.  Many years ago, I had someone in my life that told me that I wasn’t good at story telling.  It really hurt at the time, and I can look back and see that is when I started censoring myself a bit more, what I said, what impression it may make.  When I take the time to reflect, I wish I wouldn’t have taken that to heart, but also, right now in my life, my mind is scattered, so when I do sit down to write, it feels a bit like everything is just really jumbled in my brain.  Even looking back at this, I think it’s all over the place.  So, that’s part of why I’ve held back a bit.  But it is a great outlet and I still hope that what I say makes some sort of difference or helps someone else feel not so alone.

My daily life isn’t too exciting these days, but maybe I’ll start sharing a bit more of what really happens day to day.  As always, I appreciate the support of this little community here on life after Tommy.   ❤️