Too much loss — Life after Tommy

It’s been a while since I’ve been in the mental space to share what I’ve written. And honestly, I haven’t even been in the mental space to write much lately, except late at night when I can’t sleep and need to get things out of my headspace. Two years ago it was a lot. Losing Tommy was too much. The empty space in my heart is still a fresh wound and feels wide open. It’s less jarring today than it was then, but the sadness will never leave.

Today would’ve been my mom’s 78th birthday, her second heavenly birthday. Last year on this day was her memorial service. It was as beautiful as it could’ve been. Everyone wore bright colors and truly celebrated her life. The love was palpable and a dear friend even brought enough See’s Bordeaux’s for everyone in the room - my mom’s all time favorite candy.

My family is now in the middle of attempting to plan a memorial service for my dad, who died on June 30th. To say that I’m tired is an understatement. I’m tired of loss. I’m tired of feeling drained. I’m tired of having to be consoled and getting hugs saying ‘I’m so sorry’, but at the same time, I’m so grateful for those hugs. I’m tired of planning funerals. I’m just tired.

It’s been hard to attempt to write an obituary for my dad. My brothers and I are working on it, and there’s so much to say, but after 2 years of huge losses, it’s just tough to sit down and do it, knowing that it will bring tears.

Lately, I feel like I’ve turned off my emotions a bit. Recently I requested that my doctor increase the dosage of the antidepressant that I’m on. I could feel myself spinning and needed to gain a little control before I couldn’t. My emotional capacity has reached it’s limit. It’s easier for me to turn it off for a minute than be in constant sorrow. I know that this turning it off won’t last forever, nor is it healthy for it to last forever, but I’m just not ready to be in that space yet. This is my coping mechanism and I’m fully aware of it. We all cope the best we can and right now, this is my best.

Although I feel like I’ve been in anticipatory grief for a couple of years, actually losing both of my parents has been jarring. It’s a strange progression of time, knowing that besides aunts and uncles (thank god for them), my brothers and I are now the older generation of the family. And being the eldest sibling feels even more strange. It’s a mix of feelings but mostly I feel like I’m not really ready for this role yet. I’m not old enough to be in this place.

I am ready for some peace. Some amount of time when I can stay put and actually ground myself here in Montana, with Steve. So far, this summer has been full of joy and sorrow. Peter graduated from college and I couldn’t be more proud. The loss of my dad, while expected because he’d been sick, happened very quickly and so far it hasn’t sunk in. I’m not sure it really will sink in, but the knowledge and hope that my parents are now with Tommy brings me comfort and in a strange way some sort of happiness. Tommy is now with three of his four grandparents, which alternatively means that in the last two years, Peter has not only lost his brother, but also three of his four grandparents. I don’t write much about Peter because he’s an adult and I really want to respect his privacy and his life, but that being said, we are all holding tightly to family these days and truly appreciating the time that we have together.