Tomorrow, October 12th, marks 4 months since Tommy’s been gone. I know that the current pattern in my life is to have the 9th-11th day of every month be horrible. I am on edge. I cry often and easily.  I’m never satisfied with food but constantly hungry. I can’t concentrate and I’m fidgety. I have no energy but I can’t rest, although I’m more than exhausted and every month, so far, without fail, I’m surprised by all of these things, as if I wasn’t expecting them to happen. I’m beyond sad but wanted to share something that I wrote that’s a little lighter than my more recent: this one is all about color, specifically, Tommy’s favorite.

Black

You always said that your favorite color was black. You would joke because you would also include in those conversations that black truly wasn’t a color.  You always pushed the boundaries and challenged beliefs. You looked good in every color.  You were so handsome. Your eyes were blue with a yellow speck.  I miss that speck and those eyes of yours. The lizard was silver, seems a shade of black.  When I saw that lizard, I was shocked, couldn’t believe such a thing would exist in nature.  It must’ve been a rare breed.  It was beautiful, almost like a piece of jewelry.  It was on the move and you were not far behind.  Spray paint can ditched somewhere with the overspray outline left behind in the dust.  Hoping that you wouldn’t get caught, or did you care? It was desperately trying to escape the blond boy with the mischief in his eyes and the spray paint in his hands.