Feeling empty
I feel empty these days. Christmas and New Years have passed. The time leading up to them was hectic, for no reason in particular, but possibly because we traveled over the holidays and travel seems to speed day to day life up exponentially. Since I had work in the fall, I was still working on a few projects leading up to the holidays so it gave me something to focus on. Now, we’re back in Montana and I’m feeling at a loss. I realize that a lot of this emptiness is the grief settling in. The reality that my life is completely different now than it was 1 year ago.
I knew that being an empty nester was on the horizon, but to have it thrown at me like it was didn’t give me much time to adjust to it. Having both kids home with me last spring full time to where I am now - Peter is in Oregon, a junior, and most likely will never live under the same roof as me again, and Tommy won’t ever be home. I have such a hard time accepting it. It’s like I have to write it down to remind myself that it’s real. I still just can’t believe that he’s gone and won’t be back. This version of empty nest is not what I would ever have dreamed I’d be experiencing.
We take for granted, or just don’t notice, how much effort goes in to having kids at home. I no longer have their laundry to do. I don’t have to wake anyone up. I don’t have to think about what food to get for them at the grocery store. I don’t have to cook for them. I don’t have to make breakfasts or pack lunches, or tidy up the house after them. I don’t worry when I don’t hear them come in. I don’t have to constantly remind anyone to do anything. There are so many things that take up time and energy that are now gone from my life. These are really all things that I miss. I miss the mess, the chaos, the noise.
I miss all of the small things. Some mornings, it was almost impossible to get Tommy out of bed. I hate to admit it, but I resorted to spraying him in the face with water some days. He would be so mad at me! But honestly, it was the only thing that worked sometimes. Other days, he was up bright and early. When my kids were still in elementary school, I would meet friends at 5:45am for a run. On at least 2 mornings, I remember coming home to both kids awake and waiting for me with my coffee already made. I was amazed then, but now am so thankful for that memory.
I’m sure this is all contributing to the emptiness that I feel these days. I’ve been crying a lot. No surprise, I’m sure. I don’t cry for hours on end, but short bursts. Kindnesses by others trigger me often. I received a very thoughtful care package via fedex yesterday - a cozy beanie, some candy, a candle, and a few other things. I was so overwhelmed that it brought me to tears. Kindness of others is pulling me through this and I’m so very grateful and feel so very lucky for that. But it also makes me question if I’ve been supportive or kind enough to others that have been dealing with hardships in the past. Hindsight is 20/20 and I believe that for most, until you’ve experienced being on this end, comforting others doesn’t always come naturally.
This has been a long ramble of sorts. While I feel empty, my mind really never stops. Sometimes it all makes sense, and sometimes, it just doesn’t. Like life I guess. xo
January 1st, 2021
