There are so many things that I didn’t know about grief. Grief is endless and unfortunately, it’s a learning process, so like anything, as soon as you think you know, something new comes in your path. The confusion is often overwhelming. I don’t know the scientific reasons, but can take a guess. My brain doesn’t want to believe that this is the new reality of my life, so often confusion comes into play. Of course, I know that this is reality. I saw him. We had a funeral. He’s no longer here, but too often, my brain plays tricks on me. Just not wanting this to be real. Wanting so badly to have him back.
I don’t know if it’s really explainable or relatable unless you’ve been there, but I wrote this from this point of confusion…
The mail is addressed to him. It’s from the school that he applied to and wanted to start in the fall. I’ve let them know and tried to unsubscribe from their communication, but everything seems lost in translation.
When the mail comes or the email notifications flash on my phone, I think ‘I need to tell him about this’, but ahhh, there’s no-one to tell anymore.
The college year has started without him. He won’t be home for the holidays with his brother because he’s no longer able. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be here, it’s that he’s gone.
I think I should tell him about the dreams, or the bucks out in the field. I reach for the phone and then remember.
My mind has trouble making sense of it all. He’s not here? Of course he’s not here. He’s away at college. Or … no, he’s away and won’t be coming home. He’s going to miss the holidays this year and all of the years to come. I’ll have to keep notes so that I can fill him in. I’ll have to make his favorite dishes and so that he wants to come home. I’ll have to keep his favorite chocolate chip cookies on the plate for him. I’ve kept that empty Trader Joe’s container in the cupboard now for months. Just knowing that when he comes, he’ll be so happy that I’ve kept his favorite cookies. Wait, why am I keeping that empty container in the pantry? Just in case he’s hungry when he gets here.
