This afternoon I received an email from a dear friend who lost her sister to cancer a few years ago. In the email, she told me that after her sister had died, she only received one hand-written note from someone who happened to be a friend of her mom’s and she said that one note meant the world to her. I’ve been contemplating how to share some difficult suggestions, information, etc., but this email convinced me that I need to share what I’ve learned. In saying that, I fully acknowledge that every situation is so different just the same way that every person is different and handles things differently. But I also know that you don’t know what you don’t know. So take this with a grain of salt, knowing it’s not all applicable, but also knowing it could possibly be something that helps.
If someone dies, send a card to the kids, siblings, etc., separately from the card that goes to the parent, widow, widower, etc. Even if you don’t know those children well, it may make a difference in their lives.
If it’s a close friend and you don’t know what to do to help, here are some practical suggestions in case they have visitors (my house was full of people for the first week + and these things helped me)
bring paper goods - paper towels, toilet paper, plates, cups, silverware, napkins - it’s nice to have a well stocked house just in case
bring a cooler that you don’t need to get back and fill it with ice/waters/soda/juice for people who may visit - maybe get together with friends and make sure that it’s refilled often
meal delivery is so helpful, but honestly, we had way too much food in the house for the first few weeks because so many people brought food over that the meal delivery didn’t start immediately - if you’re the organizer, ask what types of food they prefer - maybe light on the comfort foods/pasta
offer to make a list of the people who’ve brought gifts and what they’ve brought
offer to log into social media and respond to/like comments if you’re a close friend and if they announce anything via social media
if you’re a close friend or sibling, offer to screen who’s coming and going and possibly even handle text messages
These are just a few things that people did that I found helpful. Like I said, my house was full of people and I know that’s not always the case. Perhaps it was because Tommy was so young and I just had an open door policy. I felt like it was important for his friends to be able to come and get their last fill of him and his room. It also could’ve been in part to the fact that I was moving. This was a strange one because it just felt too soon to pack up Tommy’s room. I was so thankful to have 2 friends, who I fully trusted, come over and pack up all of Tommy’s things for me. I did spend time in there before it was all put away and felt confident that I had discovered all of the things that I could possibly feel were important to know their location.
This next suggestion is very tough, but I was so thankful that someone reached out immediately to me to suggest it. I would only suggest you recommend this if you’re close to the person, but honestly, again, we don’t know what we don’t know. Someone who’d lost their son in a similar way, reached out to tell me that I should ask the mortuary for fingerprints and a lock of hair before we had Tommy cremated. This is one of those things that I wish I didn’t have to know, but am so thankful to have found out this information before it was too late. There are many companies who apparently make jewelry incorporating fingerprints and it just is nice to know that you still have a piece of them in the lock of hair.
I think that my history as a photographer has ingrained in me the visual aspect of things. I had a 12x12 walnut box engraved with Tommy’s date of birth and death so that I could keep all of the cards that I received as well as important things I wanted a special place for such as his wallet, a bracelet of his and a few other small items. I just ordered another box like this for a friend to give someone who’d lost their child as well. I ordered it through a professional photo lab, but it is so special to me. I’ve attached a photo of it in case you are in need of something like this, please reach out to me and I’d be happy to order one for you.
There are many books, instagram accounts and podcasts that I’ve found comforting, but these are the basics and I’ll share more later. Of course nothing is going to take away this pain and sorrow, but I thank you for following me on this journey. Hearing from people has meant the world to me. I am so appreciative of the support, love and prayers. xoxo
