10 Months | Miscellaneous thoughts

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve come to this space. I’ve felt pretty empty lately and just haven’t had much that feels important enough to say to put much down ‘on paper’. Some days I’ve felt rather down and others I’ve been ok. Today I’m ok. It’s Thursday, April 15th and this past Monday marked 10 months since Tommy’s been gone. It’s really quite hard for me to believe. I’ve kept myself a little bit busier this week which has been good for me. The weekend of Easter and the following week were just too much for me. I had multiple breakdowns and just couldn’t shake the funk that I was in. I felt it more that week than I have in quite a few months.

The holidays are hard. I’ve honestly had a hard time with holidays for many years now, and this is just an exaggeration of those hard times. Days of the week can be triggers for me and Easter Sunday was one of those. When my kids were young and on the weekends that they were with their dad, I had almost bipolar reactions to Sundays. Sometimes I loved the time by myself, but often, it was a reminder that they weren’t with me and that my friends were with their own families and I was alone. This Easter Sunday felt like a flashback to those days. Steve was working and I spent about half of the day solo. Looking at my reaction in hindsight, it makes me realize that even if I don’t think plans are important, or maybe I just don’t have the energy to make them, it’s really important that I force myself. Just a mental note to myself to try not to let those Sundays happen.

Tomorrow we are going camping for a couple of days and I’m looking forward to being outside, spending some time under the stars. The weather is warming up and all of the snow in the valley has melted. The ski mountain closed last weekend and the rivers and lakes have thawed out. The sun comes up at 6:45 and sets at 8:30, so the days are getting much longer. There are more birds out and we’ve just started seeing gophers pop up out of the ground. The deer have also started to spend more time in the fields since there’s new growth for them to eat. The temperatures aren’t exactly hot, although I have gotten away with wearing a vest instead of a full jacket a few times recently, which felt great!

I’ve started to do some volunteering here and it’s been a great avenue for me to meet some really kind people and to get out of my own way. I’ve been experimenting with different sourdough discard recipes and have found a few that I really love - an everything seasoning cracker, tortillas and pizza dough. While the idea of making actual sourdough bread is amazing, I just haven’t had the energy to plan ahead for it, so for now, these other recipes are great. I’ve been taking Chica on some long walks but haven’t ventured far off of the roads yet because I haven’t had bear spray with me and I really don’t want to come into contact with a bear just coming out of hibernation! I started a new online shop to sell some prints and some stationery & postcards of photographs that I’ve taken over the years. It’s a good reason for me to keep my camera with me, so I’ll be adding to the shop periodically. A class that I took at the local community college just wrapped up and I’m hoping to sign up for more classes in the summer and fall.

I’m struck often with reminders of how lucky I am to know so many kind people. Through the instagram account that I set up to remember Tommy, I’ve heard from many kids who knew him. I’ve gotten such nice messages and it’s been so helpful for me to be able to share like that. I received a beautiful piece of art in the mail this week from a mom of a classmate of Tommy’s in early elementary school. I know that sharing all of the info that I have shared is a lot. It’s a lot for me and I’m sure a lot to read, but if it’s helped anyone besides just me, it’s worth it. I know that I repeat myself often in this journey, but amidst such sorrow and grief, I’ve just seen so much kindness and beauty that it can all be overwhelming.

Thanks for letting me just go on and on…. no real message, just my thoughts. xoxo