Monday thoughts
Today as I was driving home from doing some errands in town, three hawks were soaring above my car as I drove down our dirt road. It was beautiful. Their wing spans so large I could see the details in them when I slowed down. As I was watching them, I couldn’t help but think of Tommy. Knowing that he was probably aware of them over my car, watching down on me from wherever he is now. I came to a realization that he was a gift from God to me. Tommy’s life was a gift to me as his mom. I will be forever thankful that I had him as my child. It makes me cry when I think of it, but I know that there is some lesson that I need to learn through this pain and instead of teaching me while he’s with me, he is now teaching me from the other side.
His life was far too short. 18 years wasn’t enough time for him to be here and it definitely wasn’t enough time for me to have him with me. But he was a gift and I believe that while he is still with me, he is and will continue guiding me in this lifetime. While I have never felt myself to be religious, I have always carried faith with me and I believe that there is something out there larger than we are. Now I feel that he is my connection to my God. He is the closest thing I have to the knowledge that there is a God. I know it may sound a little wacky to some, but I feel him with me and I also believe that should find strength where you can, and this is where I’m finding it these days.
I am learning to live in this new space without him in my life. There are moments when I feel a massive emptiness inside, but there are also moments when I feel more full of love than I ever have before. I still don’t look at pictures of him often - it’s just too painful, but I do carry his school id and drivers’ license in my wallet. Just knowing that they are always with me makes me feel closer to him. I am so sad for all of the things that he was never able to do with his life, but this gives me more drive to make sure that I do something meaningful.
I listened to this TEDx talk by Lucy Hone, sent to me by a friend, all about resilience in grief. It’s a beautiful talk and was very inspirational for me. One of the secrets she shares is to ‘hunt out the positive’ or ‘seek the good’. I think I mentioned it already, but a friend gave me the advice of ‘looking for the light’. All of these suggestions give a similar message and that message has truly helped me when I’m having especially difficult days.
To be clear, this journey is a roller coaster. Some days, I feel ok and others I feel drained. On the outside, I stay strong, but inside, I don’t always feel that way. I’m babbling a little - just trying to keep my fingers in pace with my mind, which is not easy since my mind never seems to stop these days. Just a stream of consciousness today… nothing earth-shattering, but the reminder to me that I can still love him even while I’m in pain feeling his absence.
