Tommy's Upcoming Birthday
I woke on March 1st so happy to have Peter under the same roof while he was here visiting but also with a little pit in my stomach realizing that this is going to be a hard month. I’ve had a couple of off days lately which seems to be my new normal. We are approaching 9 months without Tommy on the 12th as well as his birthday on March 16th. He would’ve turned 19, but will forever be 18. It’s a lot and it feels very heavy. Everything these days feels like a lot.
Recently I received an email from a friend who’d lost her son a few years back. She had this advice for me:
One of the pieces of advice that was useful to me was the advice to celebrate my son’s birthday — a happy day to celebrate and focus on good memories — and to try to let go of recognizing, avoiding activities, and things like that, his date of death. That may be tough in the first few years, when that day looms so large in your mind. I know Tommy’s birthday is coming up in March. I will be celebrating him on that day!
I am taking this advice to heart. I am so appreciative to have a few wonderful women whom I respect so deeply that have walked this path before me and have been so gracious with their advice to me. Lately it feels as if I’m looking for the good in the world. I’m looking for things that make this pain a little less painful. Things come briefly, give me a little hope, but as has been the process for the last 9 months, the realization and the blunt pain come back, only perhaps in smaller waves than in the first few months. Some days I cry and some days I don’t. It’s hard for me to lay in bed if I’m not sleeping because my mind is overwhelmed with memories of Tommy - some good and some painful.
I will be celebrating Tommy on his birthday. He was an amazing human being who was taken from us too soon. I know that he touched many and by sharing this journey, his life is still touching people, near and far. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude when I hear how my words have helped others.
I heard of something someone did for their deceased child’s birthday and I’m hoping that you will help me to do something similar. The hashtag that we are using is #tsalforever. I would love it if you’d spread the word:
On or before Tommy’s birthday 3/16, could you please either send me a photo (hello@stephaniewiley.com - I’ll tag you) or just post a photo on your social media, either of Tommy or of something you know he would’ve loved. You can tag @life.after.tommy and @stephanie_wiley and use the hashtag #tsalforever. I will then repost or post all of these photos on the new instagram that I’ve started: @life.after.tommy
It’s minimal but it feels like something that Tommy would’ve loved and truthfully, a reminder to me that he is not forgotten.
Thank you for helping me to celebrate him. If you’re kids knew him, could you ask them to do this for me? And can you help me spread the word? I’d love to see lots of photos! Forever thankful. Stephanie
The photo above was taken on March 14, 2020 - 2 days before Tommy turned 18. Instead of a birthday cake, he requested sly lemon pie (one of our family favorites). We celebrated with my parents that night. I still have the gifts that I gave him tucked away safely. Tommy willingly went into rehab on his actual birthday of March 16th. I’ll always be thankful to have had the time that I did with him.
