Today is November 1st. Halloween was weird for everyone this year. I stayed home. Steve and I have both been under the weather, so we cancelled plans with friends and had a quiet early night at home. I think I said this after the 4th of July, but selfishly, I think that I’m grateful that this year is a weird one. That the emphasis on the holidays isn’t as huge as it usually is. That the holidays are weird and new for everyone minimizes the pain that I’m feeling in experiencing the ‘firsts’ without Tommy here.
In many ways, many of my friends are mourning Halloweens past. The freedom, having young kids at home, the excitement leading up to it. When I look back at pictures of Halloweens past, I am so thankful that I spent all of those with my kids. That we lived in neighborhoods where the kids could run free and the parents followed along with flashlights and red solo cups full of whatever was being poured that night. There are so many fond memories of those years, when life felt so easy.
While the snow has now almost all melted and what I see from inside this warm office is mostly brown earth, green trees and blue sky, I wrote this last week. The colors may have shifted, but the reality of the situation hasn’t…
White. It’s everywhere now since the ground is covered in snow.
It’s a new world to me. Living in this. Having to consider shoe choices, hats, jackets, gloves, socks. I’ve never been a big sock wearer. Neither were you. Your shoes always smelled and you didn’t care much if it offended people. You were who you were. You weren’t judgmental so you had no reason to believe that others would judge you, as Peter has accurately pointed out.
When I look out at the white, the snow, the clouds, it actually makes me feel a little closer to you. I imagine that where you are now, you are surrounded by white light. Everything bright. No bodies as we know them, but your soul shining its brightest light. As you were here on earth Tommy. You were the brightest light everywhere you went. You made people smile and laugh. You gave yourself freely to others. You were concerned and truly a good friend to everyone. You shone so bright. So on this cold, fall morning, where I feel like everything outside is white, I am drawn to your being. To your presence. I know that you are with me, although in a different form and on a different plane. You are still in my heart and I know that you’re seeing everything. Yesterday, a bald eagle flew out of the tree that I was approaching on my walk. It was immense, but almost silent. I’ve never been so close to such beauty flying by. On the same day, we found out that grandma’s cancer is back and growing. I know that you will be there, surrounded by light and white, when she’s ready. I miss you with all of my being but seeing white all around brings me just a little closer to you.
Even if it’s just in my imagination, I’ll take it.
Tommy and I, Halloween early 2000’s
