Tears

Tears

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Grief, Journal

Over the last few months, I find that I can quite easily talk about what happened to Tommy, to me and in effect to all of us, without breaking down in tears. When I’m by myself, I cry and tear up often, but can generally hold it together in front of others.

Not ready

Not ready

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Journal, Grief

I haven’t yet deleted Tommy’s profile from my Netflix account. Every time I turn it on, I’m sad to see his name there, but I’m not ready for it not to be there yet.


Expressing Motherhood

Expressing Motherhood

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Grief, Journal

The first time that I participated in the Expressing Motherhood, in person, in Silverlake, I was scared to death. I’d submitted a piece as a challenge to myself, never dreaming that I’d actually be chosen. I was a fish out of water.

The simple things

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Grief, Journal

The many times that you made rice krispie treats, piled so high they spilled over the top of the pyrex dish.

You never bothered to push them down, make them fit.

They were free form, much like you.

5 Months

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Grief, Journal

The first time that they were brought into the house, before they’d been split up, I thought I was going to throw up. The thought that you were now encased in a plastic bag in a plastic box in my living room brought me to my knees.

The confusion of grief

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Grief, Journal

The mail is addressed to him. It’s from the school that he applied to and wanted to start in the fall. I’ve let them know and tried to unsubscribe from their communication, but everything seems lost in translation.

A huge thank you and be in the picture

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Today, I’m holding tightly to the idea that to grieve is a reminder that you loved. Most days I am reminded of this horrible pain over and over. But there have been moments, when I find myself almost forgetting that I’m in this.

The road back

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Journal, Grief

After being in Southern California for the last month+, I am now back in Montana. Being back in LA gave me time to have a little bit of closure for the place that I’ve always lived. When I left, I felt rushed to say goodbye to people and it was so soon after Tommy’s death

Rosemary

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Journal, Grief

They wrapped their arms around me and told the police officer that they’d take care of me. I went to the hospital and when I returned home, they were there.

Visits to the ER

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Journal, Grief, Diary

Today was the first day that I had a physical reaction to the trauma of losing Tommy since I’ve been back in LA. Here I am today, short of breath, trying to suppress the panic that I feel inside. The physical pain of this is real.

On my mind... accidental v. ?

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Journal, Grief

I want to start by saying in my old life, I didn’t realize the compassion that is necessary for dealing with the disease of addiction and those who suffer from it. Not to say that I didn’t have compassion for those who were struggling, but until it was actually pointed out to me, I didn’t realize how critical compassion is.


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